Classical Jokes3061- Page

Whatever you do, don't drink the varnish. It'll be a sad end - but a beautiful finish.

Tip of the day: When a police officer says to you "Put your hands up." Don't say, "For Detroit."

After getting blown by my wife, I quoted from my favourite children's film "Babe": "That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Woodstock; If you were really "There" you won't remember it. Apparently I was at Woodstock.

Fool shop keepers into thinking you're an armed robber by wearing a balaclava, pointing a gun to their head, and asking them to empty the till.

I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my advice.

I went for a job interview. "Where would you like to see yourself in five years time?" he asked me. I thought and said, "Suspended on full pay."

If you see someone just randomly removing their iPod headphones on the bus or the Tube, you can be pretty sure they're gauging how loud their fart is.

They always put ''For best before date: see side of pack'' on groceries. Why can't they just put the date there?

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?" "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. "We just love the chocolate around them."