Classical Jokes9- Page

I ordered myself a slow cooker online last week. It's already three days late.

I resent people who insist I should respect the national anthem. I won't stand for it.

What have second cousin marriage and Birmingham got in common? They're both dodgy grey areas that people tend to avoid.

I had to break up with my girlfriend because she's obsessed with Twilight. Fed up of her waking me up just before dawn to look at nothing.

Went to bingo tonight. Got two fat ladies. Worst threesome ... ever.

Girls are all over me when I tell them I work as a red arrow. Really I hold the sign in the high street that points you in the direction of Currys.

Last week in the News. ABC News, at least 18 killed by Flash floods in the US. Today Sky News, 19 Killed by Flash floods in France. "Who's this bloke called Flash, and how does he move around the world undetected? I'd like to shake his hand for a job well done."

We were trying to find a way to cross the Nile, when we came across a ford in the river. We had a good laugh at the unlucky driver and continued with our search.

My mate called me a legend the other day. Personally I don't see what's so great about being a foot.

How do you weigh citrus fruits? Limescale.