Classical Jokes3058- Page

Land Line users: Save 1 a month on "caller display" by simply answering the phone and asking who it is.

My boss once told me, "Don't dress for the job you have, but for the job you want". Which makes you wonder why he fired me for coming in dressed as a Mexican wrestler

The veteran actor and director turned to me and said, "You know what they say, you should never work with children or animals." "That's an old theatre saying, isn't it?" I replied. "No, it's what the police told us when we did your CRB check."

Need overpriced, average clothes? There's a Gap for that.

People shouldn't worry about the world ending. It's already tomorrow in Australia!

So I was getting into my car and this bloke said to me, "Can you give me a lift?" I said, "Sure... You look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!"

I distinctly remember one time my parents talking to me down the phone and saying, if we throw cash away at you now, youll never know the value of money. But I still think it wouldve been nice for them to pay that ransom.

Top tip: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit their brakes when they think they've been caught.

When you write a joke you should always proof-read it carefully to make sure you haven't any words out.

When getting into a fight in a pub, don't concern yourself with ungentlemanly fisticuffs. First shout something innocuous at your opponent, to grab the pub's attention. Then calmly walk to the door. There, turn around and in your loudest voice yell, "At least I'm not a paedophile." The seed planted into everyone's mind will do more long term damage than any punch could ever do.