Classical Jokes3057- Page

I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.

'Dont shoot the messenger.' Do postmen count? I'm gonna need a quick answer on this.

O.A.P drivers. The little number 5 on your gearstick refers to what is known as "Fifth Gear". This will allow you to reach speeds of over 25 mph.

If you leave a dog in a car on a hot day without water or ventilation, it could be dead in 15 minutes. However, I've discovered that if I put the heating on as well, I can get it down to about five.

Fool people into thinking you are an octopus by drinking several litres of ink and farting everytime someone startles you.

Am I the only one getting annoyed with all these jokes that relate directly to Sickipedia that become so popular? These jokes don't work in the real world. Try telling a joke about data latency being too high after an awesome paedophile joke to all your friends at the pub. Your friends will hate you and you'll be lonely and you'll kill yourself. Let's get back to the actual sick jokes, people.

The best thing for baldness? Hair.

WINDOW CLEANERS. When agreeing a price with Dr Who to clean the windows of the Tardis, don't be conned into agreeing to do the insides for the same price.

Never trust a plumber who wears wellies.

If you had bought 1,000 dollars worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. If you had bought 1,000 dollars worth of Enron stock, you would now have $16.50 of the original $1,000. With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had bought 1,000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10-cent deposit, you would have $214.00. The moral? Drink heavily and recycle.