Classical Jokes14- Page

Police caught me thieving calenders from W.H Smiths today, I'm going down for a few years.

If you want to be able to identify tartans, it's easy. You look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.

I was in London with my mates when one of them said "How are we going to get over the river?" I said, "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it".

At college, I ran for President of the union. Took him out with one rugby tackle.

My wife wasn't impressed with the deep, fat fryer I brought home yesterday. He works in the chippy and just mumbles philosophy.

So Brazil have applied to have 'Mud Wrestling' as a sport for the 2016 Rio Olympics. It won't cost anything extra, the stadiums are already in place.

I have a foolproof way to stop women ever denting my pride. I've banned them all from driving in my safari park.

My wife is pretty handy around the house. She's not allowed inside.

I don't trust mascara... It's out on the lash with a different girl every night.

I'll only play snooker with people on condition that I have the first shot. It's a habit I've got to break.