Classical Jokes3047- Page

To survive in water, you don't have to be good at swimming, you just have to be bad at drowning.

Tip of the day: Never high-five a muppet whilst wearing a velcro glove.

Join the US Army. You will get 20 bucks for every kill in combat. Or 50 bucks for killing an enemy.

Bus drivers, make your own under-budget version of Takeshi's castle by moving the disabled seats upstairs.

Convince others you are full of great ideas by sellotaping a light bulb to the top of your head

A neighbour's car aerial, when carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

The irony of you telling me to "get a life" is that I'll probably take yours...

Inflatable sheep... For people so ugly, they can't pull an inflatable doll.

Tip: When your pupil's parent asks you why you wanted to be a teacher don't reply "I'm a paedophile"

We all enter the world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop right there.