Classical Jokes3065- Page

Now remember children, ALWAYS use the Green Cross Code: When you see a red man you must wait. When you see a green man you may carefully cross the road. When you see a black man you must run for your life. He's got a knife and he wants your pocket money.

Lost your tree? Why not nail a picture of it to your dog?

Dear Tabloid Agony Aunt, I keep seeking out advice for serious issues from dangerously under-qualified people. What do you suggest I do?

If you ever get arrested wait till the cop says "Anything you say will be taken down and used in evidence against you." Then you say this. "I have nothing to say. I, on the other hand, find you very attractive, your honour, and am struggling to contain myself." Then watch his face when he has to read that out in court.

There's a little-known but foolproof defence against sharks. Sharks will only attack you if you're wet.

Sickipedia's motto - If you can't beat them, copy them.

Call Of Duty Gamers. Temporarily blind and disorientate your opponent by unexpectedly ripping open his bedroom curtains.

COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it.

My boyfriend says that I never solve my own problems. How do I prove him wrong?

I asked my teacher for advice when taking my maths exam and he said that you should always read through the paper first. That's the last time I listen to him. I was halfway through my horoscope when I heard, "Okay, pencils down."